Tuesday, April 19, 2011

At my wits end...

Please listen to the song on the side while reading this...

I'm writing this blog from afar (afar being only a block away from Dad, but it feels like cross country right now).  The information I post today is information gathered from sources closer to Pop right now than I can be.

Dad has had a good couple of days, I'll reiterate a little and add some new.  He's been on the porch enjoying the couple of nice days thanks to Michael and others.  His appetite is back and he's actually had a couple of drinks, and by drinks, I mean "drinks-drinks" requesting a beer when his friend was over yesterday and a scotch the day before :)  Not necessarily a good combo with the Morphine, but fun for Dad none the less!

From all accounts, Dad seems to be a bit more confused today.  He apparently goes between speaking gibberish with a couple of sensical phrases here and there.  I'm worried that we're getting closer to "the end."  Most of the literature I've read speaks of a "bounce back": a whim of energy and lucidity that is the peak before the major downhill.  But, I don't know.  That's the main problem.  We just don't know.

The other day I closed myself in the bedroom with Dad after Josh & I having a good visit, talking about how the two of us would carry on without Pop.  I explained to Dad that we worked out how to take care of all of the rentals, the store and ourselves.  I reassured him that we were going to ban together.  That we would take care of everything: TOGETHER.  That he wouldn't have to worry about either of us; we would worry about each other and help Anne together.  I think that was a big relief for him.  And I'm happy/relieved that it may have given him comfort, but am worried that I've sent him into this downward spiral...Maybe I made him come closer to "the end."

We continue to deal with sewer issues and flu symptoms from the baby girl here at 145, so I'm not quite as involved as I feel I should be.  I want my Daddy.  I can and will deal with the house stuff, business stuff, etc. by myself, but have a huge hole that cannot be filled by anyone, no matter how caring or helpful the person is.  I want my Daddy to resolve issues, give me advice, tell me what to do, explain why I feel the way I do and how to make it better.  I yearn for my Dad and his Wil-ness.

All in all...Please know that if you've contacted me in any way and I haven't gotten a chance to respond, it has nothing to do with you.  I've been inundated with calls, emails and love from many and appreciate all of it, but don't always remember to respond or know what to say.  Please try again.

Love you all


  1. Love and hugs through tears...

  2. I know just how you feel. Every single word of it. Hugs, my sweets. Anytime I can treat you to a meal, a drink, a good old-fashioned country girl drunk like we did that once, you just shout.
    Love you.

  3. Lili, don't think of what you said as drawing him in closer to the end. Rather think of it as putting his mind at ease and letting him know that a worry of his has been taken care of. let us know if you need anything

  4. Lili,

    I can so relate to everything you're feeling/saying. You didn't send Wil closer to the end, you gave him comfort and peace of mind that it's OK to let go when he's ready.

    And I also know how big that hole can be, do you remember helping me through the 6:00 pm hour everyday for weeks b/c that's when I used to talk to my grandma? I couldn't thank you any more for being there.

    You will unfortunately feel that whole for the rest of your life, but you do get to the point where you can laugh as much as cry. When I'm needing my Nana and Pop, I think about exactly what they would say to me, and I know somewhere that they are.

    I feel so terrible that I'm not there to help, you know if I were in Athens I would be all over it. Please know that I am willing to do anything you need and I think about you daily.

    Take care of you.