Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Bad dreams/Bad reality...
Dad is confined to his recliner or bed as of yesterday. He's able to get up just enough to make it to his wheelchair. At this point talking is difficult for him. He's started to wheeze and is coughing up some pretty nasty stuff regularly (which is good in a way so it gets out of his lungs). But, it's not looking good. I'm wondering if he'll be able to make it to Columbus for the CT scan on Saturday. I told him he really doesn't have to go, but he says he wants to know "how bad it really is." I'm no medical professional, but it's BAD. *Sigh*
I love my husband. Love, love, love my husband. Maybe THAT'S why I married him! He has been the most fantastic partner and step-dad in the world. He's up every morning with Eve and I (now he's letting me sleep in a bit!) so he gets Evie all ready, cleaned up, fed and to school so that I don't have to stress getting over to Dad's. He even gets up early when he's worked until 4am that morning!
Unfortunately, 10+ years ago Colin lost his dad to a battle with Leukemia, so he and his family know all too well what I'm going through. Fortunately they're such a close family, they all stuck together in the tough time. I feel like I'm mostly alone, though it's been great having some help and volunteers from adoptive family (friends).
I spoke to Colin's uncle Bob last night, who works in D.C. in Mental Health. Among other things, he asked me if I felt like I've said all of the things that need to be said to my dad before he passes...I told him yes. I feel fully confident in the fact that I've done my best, said my peace, and that Dad will pass on peacefully knowing how much I love him, how much I've learned from him and how much he will be missed. Bob asked if I'm carrying a lot of anger? Yep. Pretty damn angry at the disease. BUT, though I don't know why, though I feel like I'm carrying a whole lot more of the weight than I should be (literally & figuratively) I'm more just disappointed. I wish that everyone involved in this terrible situation would "get it." I understand people deal with these things in different ways, I understand that some people "can't emotionally handle it"-Awesome. Where does that leave me? Alone again. Holding my dad up and trying to "be strong."
I talked to Dad today and told him that I would like to have some of his ashes. And told him that, even though he would probably never say it: Josh probably would like to have some too. I was looking online at different options and think that I'll get Dad an urn of some sort for the house but a locket for me. They do have lockets for cremains! So, Dad will have a better place than next to my iPhone and chapstick in my purse :) Whew.
I'm looking forward to being able to be weak.