Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bad dreams/Bad reality...

Last night Colin and I fell asleep on the couch, so I don't know whether it was the strange sleeping place or what, but my dreams were crazy.  I had one where I was careening down a mountain road (2 lane) in my mini-van and the brakes just weren't working.  I felt like I was in one of those racing video games but it was so realistic.  It was all I could do to make all of the corners without smashing into another oncoming car, the side of the mountain or children!  Why were there toddlers crossing a two way street in the middle of my high speed descent?  Jesus.  I finally hit the bottom of the hill and regained control of the van, but not my composure.  And then I woke up.  It's sending me into a panic just thinking about it. 

Dad is confined to his recliner or bed as of yesterday.  He's able to get up just enough to make it to his wheelchair.  At this point talking is difficult for him.  He's started to wheeze and is coughing up some pretty nasty stuff regularly (which is good in a way so it gets out of his lungs).  But, it's not looking good.  I'm wondering if he'll be able to make it to Columbus for the CT scan on Saturday.  I told him he really doesn't have to go, but he says he wants to know "how bad it really is."  I'm no medical professional, but it's BAD. *Sigh*

I love my husband.  Love, love, love my husband. Maybe THAT'S why I married him! He has been the most fantastic partner and step-dad in the world.  He's up every morning with Eve and I (now he's letting me sleep in a bit!) so he gets Evie all ready, cleaned up, fed and to school so that I don't have to stress getting over to Dad's.  He even gets up early when he's worked until 4am that morning! 

Unfortunately, 10+ years ago Colin lost his dad to a battle with Leukemia, so he and his family know all too well what I'm going through.  Fortunately they're such a close family, they all stuck together in the tough time.  I feel like I'm mostly alone, though it's been great having some help and volunteers from adoptive family (friends). 

I spoke to Colin's uncle Bob last night, who works in D.C. in Mental Health.  Among other things, he asked me if I felt like I've said all of the things that need to be said to my dad before he passes...I told him yes.  I feel fully confident in the fact that I've done my best, said my peace, and that Dad will pass on peacefully knowing how much I love him, how much I've learned from him and how much he will be missed.  Bob asked if I'm carrying a lot of anger?  Yep.  Pretty damn angry at the disease. BUT, though I don't know why, though I feel like I'm carrying a whole lot more of the weight than I should be (literally & figuratively) I'm more just disappointed.  I wish that everyone involved in this terrible situation would "get it."  I understand people deal with these things in different ways, I understand that some people "can't emotionally handle it"-Awesome.  Where does that leave me?  Alone again.  Holding my dad up and trying to "be strong." 

I talked to Dad today and told him that I would like to have some of his ashes.  And told him that, even though he would probably never say it: Josh probably would like to have some too.  I was looking online at different options and think that I'll get Dad an urn of some sort for the house but a locket for me.  They do have lockets for cremains!  So, Dad will have a better place than next to my iPhone and chapstick in my purse :)  Whew.

I'm looking forward to being able to be weak.


  1. Oh Lil, I've so been in your shoes. Two years, two grandparents and it all fell into my lap. It's easy to get so caught up in the actual care-taking of your Dad and the being disappointed in those who don't get it, that you leave no time for yourself to feel sad and to begin to grieve. The most important thing is that you have said all you need to say to your Dad, you will be there with him until the end and you will always cherish that experience. Holding both of their hands when they passed just about killed me, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. As for those who are disappointing you, you can't change 'um. I think everyone does the best that they are capable of doing, unfortunately that's not nearly enough and the bulk of the work will always fall to the capable ones. Just make sure that you don't let your anger at them get in the way of your grief. It was easy for me to put my grief aside because I had to take care of things and also I had to be mad at the idiocy that was occurring in my family and here I am two years later with a therapist saying I haven't even begun to grieve--don't do that to yourself. As I've said before, I'm here for you in any way possible, even if you just need to vent. I'm checking the blogs every day and praying for you all. Kiss your Dad and Evie (and Shelby girl) for me. I love you. M.

  2. Dear Lili,

    The "comfort books" I ordered for you are arriving at Bella Vino today. Wish I could be in Athens now. I'll ocean-jump this weekend, and hope to help you soon. Thank you SO much for sharing via the blog---you are AMAZING just now, as you always are. Yes, life certainly isn't fair at times.

    Many, many hugs!


  3. My dear Lili,

    I love you more than I can describe and if there is any way I can make you feel less alone, say the word. You are a strong and inspiring young lady and standing tall by your family.

    You are amazing and I hope you know how many people love and adore you.

    Thinking of you and the family every minute.


  4. Isn't it something how our dreams can mimic our reality in such a loud, abrasive way?

    When I read your words " I'm more just disappointed. I wish that everyone involved in this terrible situation would "get it." I understand people deal with these things in different ways, I understand that some people "can't emotionally handle it"-Awesome. Where does that leave me? Alone again."
    I truly felt like I was reading from my own private blog 4 years ago when Dad got REALLY bad. I spent a lot of time (and still do sometimes) thinking that I handled it all wrong - because I too felt totally alone.
    The situation completely sucks. That's really all there is to it. And I'm so sorry that you're going through it. But you and Wil are SO blessed to have each other. What a kick-ass pair of human beings you are.


  5. Lili,
    You are so amazingly strong and I can completely understand why you are longing to be "weak".
    Hold tight honey, the hardest stuff is still coming. But I know your hubs and all of the people who love you will pull you through.
    I wish for peace and comfort for you and your wonderful dad.