Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm scared, but not, that my dad won't make it until Saturday...

Again, for my benefit, please listen to the song to the right while reading this blog....It means a lot to me...

Dad is pretty incoherent at this point, telling Anne and I that we need to "clean up all of the splotches on the floor" and that the way for me to reconcile with Columbia Gas would be to "take a picture of the biggest group of birds I can find on the beach and then show THAT to them."  He's often agitated, saying that Anne's being mean to him by not "letting" him get up (an impossibility with only one person, let alone extremely difficult with two or more).  It's hard.  Most of his "words" are gibberish, me leaning in to try to make sense of the moans and blah....This is shit.  This is ridiculous.

Dad's too big to move entirely and so he's now been forcefully bedridden, with a condom catheter and a diaper on.  THIS is not my dad.  BUT, he still smiles.  I thought for a long time that his smile would be with me forever, and now I KNOW it will...The little bits of smile that we get now-a-days are so intense and perfect.  GOD! What are we going to do without that smile???

I'm scared because my dad's dying.  He may not (most likely) last even through this week, but I am somewhat comforted (at least for the time being) that I will forever see that smile in my head, in my dreams, in my heart.

Stay well and take care of yours.


  1. the smile is what i believe to be eternal life...

  2. Lili, I'm sorry, I don't know what to write to you. Nothing I can say will make losing Wil any easier, so I won't even try. Just know you are in my thoughts and your Dad is a very special person. I'm so glad he was a part of my life, and through him, you are also part of it. Love and hugs, Trisha

  3. Lili, lots of love coming from the Robisons. You're doing probably the most important and hardest work of your life. I was -- happy is the wrong word, but, um, I don't know the right word -- relieved(?) to read that you and Josh had given your dad permission to go, reassuring him that all would be okay here. I'm sure it has made all the difference. We will miss him so much, Amy

  4. Lots of hugs and a couple shoulders to cry on...

  5. Lili, you are one of the strongest people I know and everyone in your life is damn lucky to have you. I know your father will go knowing he raised an amazing woman. Lots of love and BIG HUGS!


  6. thinking of you - as always - during this difficult time. wishing strength and comfort for you, your dad and your family.
    all my love to you wonderful chandlers..

  7. Lili - I am so grateful I was able to get to Athens and visit with your dad yesterday, as I was told he had taken a turn for the worse when I arrived. I was very apprehensive about seeing him because I have not dealt with the death of a close loved one yet in my life, and worried about breaking down when I saw him. His head was turned toward the wall with his eyes closed when Anne took me and my son, Justin, into his room. She told him he had visitors and I quickly asked her to please not wake him - one, because of my apprehension - and two, I did not want our presence to interrupt his precious sleep/comfort. Then she said that Debbie is here to see you - and he turned his head, opened his eyes, looked straight at me and made a sound! She told him Justin was with me, and your dad made a sound again! I sat down, held his hand, told him how much his friendship has meant to me, and reminisced about the good times we have shared (years of Friday night happy hours at the Red Brick being a major one:) I told him I loved him, and then said goodbye. I would like to believe he really knew we were there, heard/understood what was said, and it made him happy for a short time. I know those brief 10 minutes truly moved me and will stay with me - and Justin - forever. --Love, Debbie

  8. this song came to me the other day out of nowhere ...or so I thought then, I was singing it all day yesterday...Good Friday. I now know today the spirit that moved me and from where it came.