Friday, April 29, 2011

So, Dad just DIED. And I'm still here, without & lost...

My days are plagued with itchy skin and pacing.  It's been one week and a half a day and I still don't really know what to do with myself.

I want my dad to help me through this.  Not in spirit, I want him to be physically here.  I've crammed a tattoo (see characature above), a puppy (see side) and a new workout routine into the week hoping to find some comfort, but there is none.  I have an itchy arm (along with my basic uncomfort), a puppy who eats Evelyn's dress up shoes and sometimes "excretes" in the house/another soul to take care of, and am still fat.

I've tried (well, sort of) to go to work.  That didn't work either...My staff has become so knowledgeable and responsible that I was left trying to figure out PR & Marketing stuff...Not good right now.

My DAD was the only person in my life I rarely fought with.  Even through dissappointment that he had at times with me, he never closed me out, there was always advise to follow.  I walk on eggshells with much (not all, but many) of the rest of my family that I'm left feeling really rejected.  EDIT: My brother has some "closeness" issues...I shouldn't make all the rest of the family wonder who I'm talking about.  I wish that I was closer with my mom, but judgement usually gets in the way.  But, I suppose that's what happens when you put all of your eggs in one basket-my dad's.  I never imagined I would be left alone.  Yes, I have friends and thanks to them for putting up with me and being my friend, but where am I without my Dad, my business partner, advisor, BEST FRIEND?  Where am I?  (Retorical, no need to answer).

I miss him more than my heart can ever express. Day 8 of no talking.  Where is my daddy?


  1. When someone you love so much, dies, it feels like we have a big wound that will never heal. We feel so fragile, we've lost our bearings and we're afraid we'll cry at the smallest thing. Grieving is never easy and everyone does it in their own way. So whatever feels right to you, is right. It's your way of healing your broken heart. I wish I could take the pain away, but only time,combined with grieving can do that. Sending you a big hug, Lili

  2. What Lynn said. Perfect, Lynn!

    Many hugs to you, Lili, from far away! We'll see you soon, I hope, if dates in June can be considered "soon" under the circumstances.

    Hang in there, Lili, and try to find ways to enjoy life, perhaps starting with tiny bits of enjoyment, maybe buy some bubbles to blow outside? Or a kite to fly?


  3. Lili,
    I feel my life has been diminished with the passing of your dad. I feel something of substance is missing. But I think I know how he enriched my life and he will be in my mind as I work at rebuilding what was taken away. I believe it will be the same with you. You are strong and smart and I think you will realize that your dad prepared you to carry on. I believe he is still there to help you ...just listen and you will know what to do.
    Chuck Caldwell

  4. Dear Lili,
    The first year is the roughest. If you haven't already, please consider grief counseling to help you through. There are also several groups in Athens on overcoming grief (one is at O'Bleness). Sometimes it brings comfort to share the experience with others who have been through it . . .

    My prayers go with you.